Moto-traveller definition

What defines a hardcore moto-traveller?

In keeping with fellow riders Matthew and Megan’s comically comprehensive post on what they believe makes you a proper ‘adventure-rider’, we’ve been inspired to contribute while we’re also living life on the road. Please feel free to comment and add to the melting pot.

You’re a serious moto-traveller if:

  • When you’ve ran out of toilet roll, it’s goodbye socks.
photo-2
Oh crap, I really need a number two!
  • Your reaction to cold showers is “Oooh, the water pressure’s good!”
  • You’re always on the scrounge for plastic bags and get excited about those ones with strong handles. And Zip-lock bags are the future; they rock your world. (A wild criterion, we know!)
Thank goodness for the greatness of Peruvian police
Thank goodness for the greatness of Peruvian police
  • Sourcing a truck for your broken bike when marooned on the roadside just becomes a routine formality.
Oh no!
Snowed in, again.
  • Getting blown off the road in gusting winds, missing a wild animal racing across your path by a hair’s breadth at 50mph and negotiating 75 gravel hairpin bends in the space of eight hours, is just a normal day.
IMG_9553
Moto damsel in wedged delight
  • Starting your day in sub-zero icy conditions at 4,500 metres, wiping a smattering of snow off your visor to ending up on sand in temperatures over 35 while enduring your own personal summer inside the suit is all in a good day’s ride; what you’d call biking bliss!
Kicking the side stand down at Selva Whitewater
Who knows what carnage you’ll find inside the boxes after a rugged day’s ride
  • You’ve experienced enough coffee, milk and boxed wine explosions inside your pannier so you’ll ride no distance without brown parcel tape or an equivalent.
DCIM101GOPRO
Blowing out the cobwebs in 60 mph plus winds
  • You’ve been towed bike-to-bike at least once.
The 80 mile tow!
The 80 mile tow back!
  • There’s no length to which you won’t go in order to smuggle your ‘five a day’ fruity lovelies across a country’s border.
  • You’ve mastered the ‘Survival’ level in a foreign language; precisely enough to ask for what you need but not enough to understand the response.
The long ruta 3 down to Ushuaia
I’ll hide the plums if you hide the banana, dear.
  • Having total disregard for road rules when: undertaking, overtaking in the face of oncoming traffic or on blind bends is simply no biggy when the road users of vastly varying speeds on single carriage ways demand it.
Time for some undertaking again
Time for some undertaking again
  • Riding in the hard shoulder’s dirt is your preference over the highway, particularly to steer clear of the drunk, drugged or non-licensed ‘loon bags’ in some foreign countries.
  • Keeping schtum, playing dumb or even ‘not quite there’ in front of a fake cop has become the norm to prevent these time-stealers hindering your riding day.
Lisa on the mud flats
Half moto, half wo-man!
  • Like in the film Avatar, you fuse naturally with your motorcycle like a mythical Greek creature; half man, half moto.
  • When you’ve accidentally ridden more miles over days or weeks at a time than your derrière or woo woo can handle.
On the road to Harberton Estancia.
My bike is my home, my get-out-of-jail free card, an icebreaker, a friend magnet and my ticket to freedom.
  • You love your wheels like a person, sometimes more than your peachy partner.
Biking bliss
Come on Captain Slow, try and keep up darling.
  • When your ‘marvellous other’ informs you that your moto-trousers reek of ‘crotch’, you casually dismiss it but wonder why that just doesn’t bother you.
10
What’s that? I’ve got something on my face?
  • Rocking up to a civilised establishment like a cafe, with a face smeared in dirt doesn’t compel you to seek soap and water first. You place your food order with the ‘afternoon shadow’ and then locate the toilets.
  • You develop a knack for seeking out the nearest aluminium welder.
Wild camping in Purmamarca
Home sweet home
  • You consider home as anywhere you kick the side-stand down.
Dome Sweet Dome!
Dome Sweet Dome!
  • You are convinced that you’re the cat with 99 lives having been saved from yourself by your moto-angel more times that you’ve had hot dinners.
And she's down!
And she’s down!
  • When your instinctive reaction to crashing is, ‘Jeez, I hope my bike’s okay and still rideable’ before checking for personal injuries.
Taking a dirt nap.
Taking a dirt nap.
  • Outrageous flirting has become a highly entertaining and necessary pastime, even if it means you’re only saving a resultant $3 USD off your room.
Check the pecks on Evan!
Evan, the hostel manager at Castle Tam
  • You’re (as a woman) prepared to display all levels of feminine charms—like wildly waving your hair around and over-the-top giggling—knowing they’ll often work wonders as distraction techniques with male traffic police insistent on seeing your full complement of papers.
Slow down, I'm flimsy but ferocious from afar..!
Slow down, I’m flimsy but ferocious from afar..!
  • You can summon real tears in erupting a mini thunder storm on your face so as to rapidly retrieve your parcel of moto-parts from the clerk in foreign customs.
  • You hear excitement in your tone when talking to others about bead breakers, the Motion Pro tool and tyres. (Yes, although you’re out there, you should really get out more!)

motion-pro-trail-tool_1

  • You deliberately source a ‘Love hotel’; incredible bang for your buck because rooms to rent all night are cheap and they usually offer great bike security!
Diamante Hostel, aka a 'Love hotel'...
Saucy wall art, an unapologetically giant mirror and plastic sheets…nice!
  • You’d rather sleep rough next to your motorcycle than take a comfy bed and leave your wheels unsupervised on the street.
wild camp3
This will do nicely for the night
  • Better still, you’d rather park your wheels in your room for the night.
Our hostel and bikes' beds for the night
Perfect set up for bodies and bikes
  • Flashing your blindingly bare backside while crouched near a busy motorway is something you’ve become increasingly comfortable with when nature calls.
  • When hungry enough, chicken’s feet and knuckles—bobbing around in your bowl of watery soup—make quite the satisfying appetizer!
  • You’ve dined on pasta with jam or rice coated in mustard at least twice.
  • The thought crosses your mind that it might be time to travel a little farther afield in sourcing some actual nutrition when you haven’t been for a poo for two weeks.
Time for some pies.
Time for some pies.

2 thoughts on “Moto-traveller definition

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